The Adventures of Leigh and Leia: The Labyrinth
by Gaeliceyes
Summary: Leigh and Leia accidentally wish themselves away to the Labyrinth. Can they solve the Labyrinth and escape the ohsosexy Goblin King? Do they even want to? A fangirl parody, written jointly with the author yomibitorazo. Plz R&R. MF,Parody
1. The Bulge

_Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story._

_Author's Note This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"_

_

* * *

_

Leigh hauled two large paper bags out of her car and tottered unsteadily up onto the enclosed wrap around porch, her purse straps clamped tightly between her teeth. She nudged open the screen door and stepped into the porch's shaded dimness. The front door was closed, but with a minimum of contorting she managed to get one elbow up to rest against the doorbell.

She heard the faint reverberation from inside as the lyrical tone pealed, then the unmistakable sound of approaching feet and a bolt being drawn back. The red door opened to reveal a slight, sable-haired young woman with wide, curious brown eyes. The woman's jaw dropped as she took in the overburdened figure on her porch. She could barely glimpse wide grey eyes beyond the bulging paper bags.

"Hey, Leia," Leigh mumbled around the purse straps, pushing her way past the gaping woman and into the dim foyer, carefully juggling the awkward bags. She swept into a small kitchen, adroitly avoiding stepping on the small tabby that was circling her feet. Leia followed close behind her.

"What's all this?" Leia was asking, her face fighting to conceal an amused grin, "What are you doing here?" She watched as Leigh set the bags on her kitchen table and began unloading. The bags themselves seemed to be endless, discharging item after item as if from some bottomless well of junk food. Crunch-n-munch, microwave popcorn, Doritos, ruffles, chip dip, three kinds of ice cream, two types of toppings, two 2-liters of 7-up, a half gallon of orange juice, two packages of chocolate chunk cookies, and two tubes of raw chocolate fudge cookie dough were dropped haphazardly on the kitchen table.

"Party much?" Leia asked.

Leigh just grinned and said, "Girls' Night. Explanations later." She began to pull items from the second bag. Soon bottles and decanters of a more liquid variety, Captain Morgan's, Smirnoff Ice, Smirnoff Vodka, Godiva liqueur, Brendan's Irish Cream, Droste Cocoa and a gallon of milk, joined the binge foods on the table's surface.

"Do I get explanations yet?"

"One more thing first." Leigh reached into the bottom of the bag, beginning to sing an asinine, stripper-esque tune. The top of a DVD case began to appear, soon revealing it to be a copy of Jim Henson's Labyrinth.

"Ahhh," Leia said, as though the DVD explained the copious volume of junk food and alcohol.

"Men suck, literally. Let's just say I know now why he always had a better decorating sense than me." Her voice sounded thick and strained, but she managed to keep a fake smile on her face.

Leia was already collecting two shot glasses from a high shelf before Leigh finished. She opened the vodka, pouring it to the top of each glass. They each took a glass, lifting it in the air. Leia began, "To men who suck, literally, and the Labyrinth Drinking Game!"

"Slante," Leigh shouted out her usual Irish toast.

"Kanpai!" Leia replied with the Japanese equivalent.

* * *

**  
Several pounds of food, several liters of alcohol, and three Labyrinth viewings later...**

"...And this round shall be dedicated to "The Bulge"!" Leia slurred, referring to the noticeable bulge that could be seen between the Goblin King's legs throughout the movie. She opened two new bottles of Smirnoff Ice for herself and her friend as the movie began playing again.

"To "The Bulge"! Slante!" Leigh giggled.

"Kanpai!"

Leigh and Leia knocked back their drinks before giggling in drunken merriment. They sang off-key and offbeat with the opening song. Watching the first couple of scenes in relative silence, they continued to munch on their remaining chips, the ice cream long gone.

The young women snapped to attention as Sara told Toby a "fairy tale." At the climactic part of the story they joined in.

"Goblin King, Goblin King," they slurred, "wherever you may be! Take this child of mine far away from me!"

"Vhere did she learn that vrubbish? It doesn't even start vith 'I vish'!" Leigh quoted, Leia giggling.

"Oh Toby. I wish I did know the words to make the goblins come and take you away."

"I vish the goblins vould come and take you avay, right now...zat's not so hard iz it?" Leigh imitated the shrill sound of the goblin's voice to perfection.

"I wish, I wish..."

"Did she say it?" they laughed out. "Shut up!" The goblins replied on screen. They were leaning against one another to stay upright, turning to face each other for the next line, grinning drunkenly. Together they spoke the words out loud.

"I wish the goblins would come and take you away...right now." They laughed hysterically. The TV and lights went out.


	2. The Goblin King

_Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story._

_Author's Note This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"_

* * *

Leia blinked blearily as lightening flashed, illuminating what appeared to be the world's supply of glitter falling through the air in front of them. Peering into the flickering darkness, she perceived the familiar form of the Goblin King...zeroing in on "The Bulge."

She crowed triumphantly, "Bulge! Kanpai!"

"Slante!" Leigh replied. They tossed back the remaining liqueur in their bottles. "Refill!" she declared.

They simultaneously reached behind themselves for another bottle, hands grasping red, bare branches instead.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Leia quipped.

"Wrong movie," Leigh rapped the crown of her head.

A throat cleared in front of them, drawing their attention. They started with the black boots, moving up the gray breeches framed by a black cloak, freezing just before the waistband. Pointing as one they cried, "Bulge!" They then cast their eyes desperately to the dusty ground.

"Where's the damn alcohol!" Leia bemoaned.

Again a throat cleared, this time followed by a deep, cultured voice. "What a predicament we find ourselves in?"

"What a dream come true, I say," Leigh commented, after their eyes had traveled the remaining distance to the Goblin King's face. It seemed to the two inebriated women that they had finally passed out and were now dreaming. The brown and gray eyes returned to point lower on the Fae King's body.

"Are you dreaming what I'm dreaming?"

"If you're dreaming _The Bulge_ is less than five feet away and not trapped behind a TV screen, then yes." This was met with a deliriously, drunken laugh and a dreamy look.

Growing impatient with the lack of focus, Jareth whipped his crop smartly against his knee-high boot, causing the women to jump in surprise. "Are you _quite_ done now?" a note of irritation creeping into his voice.

They looked to one another as though seriously considering the question. Finally Leia answered honestly, "No, I don't think so. Though if this is my fantasy, I think there would be less clothes."

"And more crop!" Leigh piped in, stifling a giggle.

Jareth looked somewhere between taken aback and bemused at their replies. "I fail to understand your lack of concern for your situation."

"And I fail to undershtand," Leia said in mock scolding, " why you have too much clothes on. It's _my_ dream and _I _want you to have less clothes, right now!"

"And more crop!" Leigh said, "Or flog, or handcuffs, or silk scarves...blindfolds! Blindfolds are good! Maybe we should be in my dream right now, Leia. Jareth's usually much more cooperative in my fantasies."

Jareth lifted a gloved hand to his face realizing smug superiority had no effect on two drunken and apparently horny women. He would have to think of another way of getting their attention before they decide to try and strip him. A sudden thought occurred to him; he knew just the thing to snap them out of it. He walked forward, stepping warily between them. Their heads turned to catch a rear view, which was most unfortunately obstructed by the billowing cloak. At the sight of the dark fabric their thoughts turned to other brooding, caped characters.

"Helloooo Professor Snape," Leia said.

"Helloooo Darth Vader," Leigh replied. Before they could crack yet another smart remark, they were suddenly assailed by the foulest odor they had ever smelt.

"Uhg, I think this tops my brother's dirty laundry," Leia groaned.

Leigh was unable to comment, instead making small "erp" sounds, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. Beyond Jareth's feet the two women could see a vast meer of putrid, viscous liquid spread out beneath a canopy of arthritic, mossy trees. The color was somewhere between that of toxic waste and raw sewage, and it burbbled like a hissing tar pit. It was their first true glimpse of the bubbling, oozing pools of the Bog of Eternal Stench. The movie really didn't do it justice. As Leia began to gag, the Goblin King moved between them and they were outside the Labyrinth walls once again.

Leigh flopped back declaring. "Everything's spinning! Stop the world, please, I want to get off!"

Leia lay beside her moaning miserably.

"I trust I have your full attention now," Jareth said smoothly, one eyebrow quirked upward.

"Yeah, well I don't think this is a dream anymore. It's more like a nightmare." Leigh mumbled.

"You mean this isn't a dream?" Leia's voice was plaintive.

He raised his eyebrows at their reluctance to focus still, answering smugly, "No, it's not."

"Does that mean the clothes stay on?" The muffled question came from Leia, her face buried in her arms.

"Yes, they do."

"Shit," Leigh moaned, "This just illushtratesh my point that all men suck. They won't even leave us our fantasies."

"And with our luck, he sucks literally."

The Goblin King appeared unable to follow this train of thought, choosing instead to dismiss it. "May we now get down to business?"

"I could say something right now, but I don't think you'd appreciate it," Leia snapped back.

Ignoring the comment he continued. "The first one to solve the labyrinth sends their friend home..."

"Well that's not much for motivation," Leia muttered.

"...And stays here forever." The Goblin King finished. There was silence for a moment as the two women digested this information. They both thought carefully on the idea of being trapped forever at the mercy of the very delicious and wickedly sexy Goblin King, and came to the same inescapable conclusion.

Suddenly Leigh spoke up. "Leia forfeits!" she proclaimed.

"Hey, you can't do that!" Leia cried.

"I just did," Leigh said smugly.

The Goblin King interrupted. "I'm afraid she is correct. You cannot forfeit for her."

"Damn," Leigh sigh, falling back to the ground again, "but it was worth a try."

"Okay, how 'bout thish: What if neither of us moves from thish shpot for the next 13 hours?" Leia queried.

"You both will become one of us, forever. You will be amply provided for whilst you reside with us." A sinister smile broke across his face. "I know the perfect cottage for you, too. It has a most lovely view of the Bog of Eternal Stench."

They processed this for all of 30 seconds before Leigh stood and declared, "I think I'm up for a walk, How about you?" She stuck out a hand to help Leia stand.

"Ah, ah, ah," The Goblin King tsked. "It would seem I forgot to mention the "No Helping" rule." To which Leigh immediately released Leia's hand. Leia fell to the dry ground with a hardy 'thump', unsettling a thick cloud of red dust. She promptly began to alternately cough and sneeze.

Soon she managed to wheeze out, "Inhaler, I need _wheeze_ my inhaler."

"You have the use of only that with which you came," Jareth stated in an off-hand manner, as if it was a perfectly reasonable statement to make to a girl choking at his feet.

Leia began to hyperventilate in panic. "You _gasp_ can't _wheeze_ let me _choking cough_ die _cough_ before I _gasp_ even start _wheeze_ running! _hiccup_"

"Yeah!" Leigh chimed in. "That's not fair!"

"Surely you are overreacting." A crystal appeared with a flick of his wrist, rolling across his fingers. "But if you insist on causing a scene..." The Fae Kingthen tossed the sphere at Leia's face. It burst just before contact. "That particular problem should not bother you again for the next 13 hours."

She took a cautionary deep breath before exclaiming in shock, "I can _breath_? Sweet Jesus, I can _breath_! You could make a _fortune_ selling those things."

"Doesn't that count as 'helping'?" Leigh queried.

With the hauteur only he could pull off, Jareth said, "I may help or hinder as I wish."

"Bastard," Leia muttered.

"God, men suck."

"Literally."

Jareth narrowed his eyes, but held his tongue, finally comprehending the oft-repeated statement. With a flourish of his cloak ("Hellooo Professor Vader") he turned and indicated the path down the hill leading to the walls of the Labyrinth. "You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before you become one of us, forever. Such a pity." These parting words seemed to resound in their heads as he faded from sight.

As the two women moved stumbling down the hill, Leia could be heard mumbling, "You'd think he'd change that line once in a while."


	3. Friends Come First

_**Disclaimer**: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story._

_**Author's Note** This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. This Chapter begins their real journey through the Labyrinth. We took our cue from the movie and decided that the Labyrinth forms itself based on the individual running it, so Leigh and Leia will be meeting things and people that resemble things in their lives and imagination. (Remember how the things sarah ran into were also in her RL bedroom?) They might still meet up with a couple of old friends from the movie too...we haven't decided yet._

_A glossary is provided at the end of this chapter._

* * *

**Friends Come First**

"Stop following me."

"Stalker!"

"Stop following me!"

"Stalker!"

"Damn it! Stop following me!"

"I'm not following you! You're antishi-antish…_stealing_ where I'm going!" Leigh slurred angrily. She stopped walking long enough to kick at a stone wall and stick a tongue out at Leia's back.

Much to the surprise of the two women the huge gates into the Labyrinth had been standing open when they arrived. Mildly disappointed that they wouldn't be meeting the irrascable Hoggle, they had wandered inside. Now Leigh stumbled along behind Leia down an all too familiar endless corridor, each gingerly poking at the slimy walls, looking for the secret turns they knew must be there somewhere. Lack of success was leading to some irritability.

"Steal _this_!" Leia picked up a long dead branch, swinging it wildly at Leigh. Leigh dodged, stumbling backwards.

"God damn, mother-fucking! Crazy weeeeeeeeench………." Leigh trailed off into a startled squeak as she fell through the still solid looking stone wall that moments earlier had made contact with her shoe.

Leia rushed forward to follow, succeeding only in crashing spectacularly into the slimy stones. She tottered back, dazedly, stick still in hand. She pitched forward, but jerked herself upright, overbalancing. As she flailed about, the stick became entangled with her legs. Leia tripped, falling sideways through the wall opposite where her friend had disappeared.

"Bucking fastard," she shrieked on her way down.

Leigh windmilled her arms as she fell backward, trying desperately to regain her balance, but to no avail. Her vehement tirade against Leia was cut short by a shriek as she fell. With a grunt she landed on her back, but was surprised to note that it didn't hurt. Instead of landing on the hard and rocky ground, she was enveloped in a soft white cloud. She gazed in a roughly upward trajectory having landed sprawled on her back. The wall through which she had tumbled was a surprising 10 feet above her on the edge of a sheer cliff.

"Well hell, I knew I should've taken rock climbing in high school," she muttered after regaining her breath. Leigh rolled her head to the side, realizing that she lay in a nest of feathers and sticks. Really…big…feathers. After a moment of rest, Leigh forced herself to move to the edge to peer over. Back into the white nest turning, all her gut within her burning, the red haired woman desperately tried to keep her stomach from her throat, overtaken by drunken vertigo.

"Where's the Emergency Exit when you need one?" she asked weakly of no one in particular. A shrill screech echoed off the cliff face in answer, far too close for her comfort. She wondered what Leia was up to.

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

Leia landed with an undignified "oomph", flat on her face.

"No more drinking games," she promised herself. "When I get home, absolutely no more drinking games." Chanting this made her feel marginally better to the point that she felt that she could try to get up.

Leia flopped over onto her back, opening her eyes to observe her surroundings and promptly screamed "_Hentai_!" her hand flying out to make contact with the offender's face, a creature leaning curiously over her prone form.

She scrambled quickly to her feet, moving away from the red-haired kitsune who was momentarily stunned by her action.

"Jesus! Don't stand over a girl like that! It's creepy," Leia babbled. "Oh, yeah, sorry about smacking you. But seriously, you shouldn't have done…that…" She trailed off as green eyes focused on her. "Hi!" She stuck out her hand. "I'm Leia and you are?"

"…" It looked at her blankly.

"Look, I said sorry. It was a misunderstanding, you know?"

"Do you do that to everyone you meet, or am I just special?" Its voice was masculine in a childish way, adding to the all around youthful impression. He stood no more than four feet tall, ruby red hair falling in thick waves down his back. His feet were similar to the hind legs of a fox, Leia gazed fixedly at them for a moment before moving on to the prize. A tail, several tails actually. The tails which moved constantly making counting difficult, were colored in varying shades of red with gold streaks. His ears were pointed, fingers tipped with claws.

Leia knew that before her stood a kitsune youkai, a fox demon of Japanese mythology. It then occurred to her that the Labyrinth knew what the runner knew, it fed on the runner's imagination, and adjusted itself accordingly. Her brown eyes focused again on the tails before squealing, "Kawaii!"

The kitsune appeared unnerved at the outburst and took an uneasy step back.

* * *

**Elsewhere...**

Leigh looked around cautiously, searching for the source of the eerie scream. A moment later she caught sight of a dark smudge against the sky, and it was coming closer. Soon enough it came into focus, a giant eagle with golden feathers and a lethally sharp beak. It was headed right toward her. Leigh watched it swoop down toward her with wide eyes, frozen in momentary fear, before snapping out of it and looking around frantically for a way down. All she saw was empty air. Her head snapped back up, and saw that the creature was only a few yards away now, it's giant claws outstretched toward her.

She opened her mouth to scream bloody murder, as if that would somehow aid her situation, when she was suddenly surrounded by flying, white feathers. A strong wind accompanied the feathery storm, and she stumbled to her knees. A moment later she was blown over the edge of the nest. She managed to grab hold of the side, forestalling a long drop and sudden stop, but could do nothing more than dangle there helplessly.

Looking up, all she could see for a few moments was a welter of flying feathers, both white and gold, until the eagle suddenly shot up and away as fast as its wings could carry it. The now listless feathers drifted down into her eyes and mouth, and she spent a few precious moments spitting them out, shaking her head to and fro. When her vision had finally cleared, she looked up and nearly let go in shock as she stared down the length of a gleaming white, and very sharp, horn, protruding from the forehead of an irritated looking horse.

"Fu…" she whimpered faintly.

The mythical creature watched her for a long moment. Leigh in turn just gaped in incredulous stupor, or maybe it was fear. She whimpered again when it leaned in closer to her, hot puffs of breath caressing her face and blowing back her hair.

She managed to stifle a scream when it came closer still then grabbed her shirt between its teeth; its large, powerful teeth…and pulled. It lifted her bodily from her precarious position, leaving her hanging in thin air with arms and legs flailing wildly. Her drink fuzzed brain tried to make sense of it all.

First of all it was bigger than any other horse Leigh had ever seen, which struck her as strange. Shouldn't it be smaller? Practically speaking shouldn't a flying horse, even one with an apparent 20-foot wing span, be smaller than the average half-ton equine in order to more efficiently balance the lift to drag coefficient? On the other hand, the ones in "Fantasia" flew fine, and they seemed pretty large, although the little ones were cute. Why couldn't this one be little, and cute…and powder blue, like a "My Little Pony"? On the other, other hand, she had always loved that big horse that Rainbow Brite used to ride through space. What was its name? Wasn't it…

Her train of thought was rudely interrupted when it unceremoniously released its hold on her, dropping her back into the nest. She shook the feathers out of her hair and scrambled to her feet rather gawkishly.

"You're one of those things!" she exclaimed articulately. "A winged horse thingy, a Pegasus! But you also have a horn, like a unicorn… I know a Unisus!" She faltered under the creature's disdainful gaze. "A Pegicorn? No? Umm… What about Bob? Yeah, I think you look like a 'Bob'." Leigh concluded, enjoying the disconcerted look in its eyes. "Alright Bob, how do I get down from here?" Begin as you mean to go on, she always said. It was obvious she would have to be forceful in her dealings with Bob. One must always be sure an animal knew who was in charge, or they would walk all over you…er…fly that is.

An uncomfortable silence developed, during which Leigh shuffled her feet glancing over the side of the nest. Bob stared at her unblinkingly. She awkwardly cleared her throat.

"So…" she glanced over the side again. "How 'bouts you give me a lift…down…to the ground…Safely!" she qualified, holding up one finger for emphasis. "Seeing as how you have wings and all, you'll go to the ground eventually, right? Yes? No? Maybe…?" She trailed off as he seemed to glare at her. "And," she started again, "it seems an equable solution to having your nest vacated, right? Yes? No? Maybe? And you don't want me around forever, right? I mean, I don't do windows, or floors, or dishes…or laundry for that matter." She was focused inwardly and failed to notice his approach. "Actually I don't do anythiiiiiiiiiiing!"

Her voice trailed off into a terrified scream, for during her inattentive rambling 'Bob' had ducked his head in exasperation and punted her over the side and into the empty air. And just as suddenly as she had begun her decent she stopped, finding herself draped like a sack of potatoes over the Pegicorn's back.

"See Bob," she said shakily, "I knew we'd get along." Bob, with his passenger, circled lazily to the ground.

* * *

_**Author's Note**_

**_Glossary_**

_**Hentai** -No, it's not just anime porn! In this context it basically means "pervert"._

_**Kawaii -**"How Cute!"_


	4. The Games We Play

_Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story._

_Author's Note This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"_

_And now chapter 4: The Games We Play, in which we address several annoyances and the plot thickens...to about the consistency of a weak veggie soup..._

.:oo:.

He hated her...Well he didn't know her well enough to actually hate her...He intensely disliked her. Yes, that's better. He settled back to glaring at her back, ineffectually fixing his ravaged hair and clothes.

Leia hummed as she walked along. Words would occasionally escape, drifting back to the kitsune. Words along the lines of "yellow brick road" and "wonderful Wizard of Oz" and "because, because, because, because, because." Whenever she reached this crescendo, she would pause then continue humming, the words lost. Eventually she had done this so often that he finally couldn't stand it anymore.

"'Because' what!" he burst out.

"Because of the wonderful things he does!" Leia sang. He was sorry he had asked.

Perhaps it was better to ignore her? Hmm...But would ignoring her hold the same satisfaction of her knowing that she was being ignored and then being annoyed? Oh yes, annoying her seemed much more entertaining. And he did so enjoy his entertainment.

Next step: how to annoy her? Even better, what would annoy her so thoroughly that she would do anything to be rid of him?

Singing? No, she wouldn't be able to hear him over her own caterwauling. Glaring at her had no effect so staring at her wouldn't be much better. He also had the distinct impression that were he to attack her in the same manner as she had done to him earlier, she would enjoy it. She would enjoy it immensely. No thank you.

But then what?

"Let's play a game!" she burst into his thoughts.

He was surprised to find that he had been so consumed in thought that, not only had he stopped walking, but also she stood directly in front of him, eyes gazing at him innocently. Too innocently.

"What would you suggest?" he questioned warily.

"'I spy' or maybe a word association game?" she offered.

"And the wager?"

"Wager?"

"The bet? As in, what spoils to the victor go."

She looked at him with pitying eyes. "Not everything is about winning," she advised him. He twitched.

"Besides, these aren't win/lose games. They're passing-time games. If we were to play a win/lose game, we would become so focused on winning that we'd lose sight of our goal."

"Your goal," he corrected distractedly. His mind was analyzing her little speech. She sounded remarkably coherent and, dare he say, wise.

"What?"

No, it must have been his imagination. "I said 'your goal'. This is your adventure, not mine."

"Then why are you coming with me?"

"I'm not with you. I'm following you," he asserted.

"Why?" There was that one-word question again.

"Why?" he repeated. "Why?" His voice was rising. "You stole my tool and I want it back. That's why!" He emphasized his point by stabbing a clawed finger towards her chest. "It's in your pocket," he added, as if she needed a reminder.

"Borrowed."

"What?" Great, now he was beginning to sound like her.

"I borrowed without permission, but with every intention of giving it back," she elaborated. She smirked at her own ingenuity. Well, Captain Jack Sparrow's ingenuity. Mmm...Jack...

The kitsune closed his eyes in frustration. Or maybe it was "out of sight, out of mind."

Leia peered at him closely. He seemed to be counting. Oh well, she shrugged as she spun about. Her flip-flop was slower on the uptake of that maneuver, however. She stumbled gracelessly forward and vanished down a hole.

Blessed silence, he sighed. She had finally gone quiet. Wait- he sniffed.

His emerald green eyes opened to confirm what his nose told him- she was gone. Dammit! _The little wench still had his tool!_

.:oo:.

Sweat beaded at his brow. He studied the board intensely, seeking an answer. He reached out to grab a black knight. His eyes glanced to his opponent.

No, not that one.

He replaced the knight, to favor the white pawn instead. It slid diagonally five spaces, ignoring the other pieces in its path, and promptly found itself- at least, were it animated it would have cognitively realized its location and impending doom- in a cavern of sharp white stalactites and stalagmites. The goblin bit down happily on its prize.  
Were he not a king, Jareth would have sighed in frustration at his own stupidity. _Chess champion, indeed_, he thought.

The reason the little bugger had gained the title was blatantly apparent- it ate its opponent's pieces until none save the white king remained. Thoroughly irritated, a usual state of affairs for the King when dealing with his subjects, he glared at the happily chomping goblin. Then, with a snap of his elegant fingers, the goblin was gone - poof! - vanished into thin air. At least it looked that way until there came a tinny chittering from the vicinity of the chessboard. There the now miniature goblin was running around screaming among the chess pieces until he ran straight into one of the bishops and fell back on his butt.

Blinking up at the now gigantic (to him anyhow), and very phallic (have you ever really looked at one of them?), stone bishop, it squealed in delight. Quick as quick could be the former Goblin Chess Champion leapt at the piece and began gnawing vigorously at the base.

Unutterably disgusted, and still bored, the Goblin King plucked the hapless goblin from the chess board. It dangled from his fingers, wriggling and squeaking in fear while Jareth contemplated what to do with it. He lounged back in his chair, tapping his crop against his throne. He heaved a gusty sigh, scowling at the many noisy, but ultimately unamusing, creatures littering his throne room. He didn't even feel like singing, and that truly WAS a pity. Perhaps he could amuse himself by spying on his two drunken guests.

With a twist of his wrist, he produced a spinning crystal globe. The mini-goblin in his other hand became fascinated with the sparlking ball and paused in his squirming. Jareth stared intently at the crystal. It's cloudy interior cleared to show a pair of sandaled feet walking over dry, cracked ground. The view zoomed out enough to show a frowning female face surrounded by red hair. He didn't remember her name. He didn't really care to. He thought it started with an L, but that wasn't really important.

She was gazing around her in confusion. Still drunk no doubt. Her voice came tinny and plaintively through the crystal. "Bob?" the whining tone grated on his ears, "Bob, where the hell did you go?" Who in all the labyrinth was Bob, he wondered.

Before he could search for the elusive "Bob", there was a commotion at the door to the throne room and he dismissed the crystal with a wave. A short fox-like creature with wide eyes and three tails stormed in, shouldering the smaller goblins out of his way. He stopped before the King and made a polite bow, but his tails were lashing back and forth in agitation. Jareth blinked slowly, pondering the fact that additions to his labyrinth got stranger with every new person who ran it. This one, however, had potential to be truly entertaining. Just what he needed. With a flick of his wrist the squirming, shrunken goblin went sailing out of the Kings mind as easily as it flew out of his hand and through the open window.

" You are interupting," drawled Jareth mildly. The fox-demon shrugged nonchalantly, but his tails whipped faster.

"You're the King. I have a petition," he stated petulantly.

"Indeed, and that is...?"

"I lost the girl. The dark one. I need to find her again. She stole my tool."

"You're tool..."

The kitsune nodded. " It is very important that I get it back."

" I see. You lost her, and you wish me to find her for you again."

The kitsune glowered. " I didn't lose her. She lost herself when I wasn't looking. She still has my tool. I want it back."

Jareth chuckled. "You are very single-minded, little fox." The kitsune's shoulders tensed at being called a little fox, but he said nothing. " And if I help you find her?"

"I'd like my tool back. If you could just get it for me..."

"Ah, ah, ah. YOU allowed her to take it, YOU must get it back." He waggled one finger in admontition. The kitsune sighed.

" If I must, I must," he muttered. The King nodded and smiled easily. The more distractions for the girls, the better, and this creature would have been an excellent distraction even if they had been sober.

With a flick of his wrist the viewing crystal reappeared, but this time the picture was dark and gloomy. "Ah," he said.

"Ah what?" asked the Kitsune.

"There she is," said Jareth matter-of-factly.

The Kitsune squinted into the dark crystal for several moments before sighing with impatience. "Where? I don't see her." The Goblin King chuckled. He began rolling the crystal from hand to hand.

"If you turn it this way..." the crystal stopped, resting on his fingertips, " it will show you your desires. There she is." Leia's face, streaked with dust, appeared in the dimness of the crystal. The kitsune cocked his head to one side, examining it.

"Where is that?" he asked plaintively.

"An oubliette, one of many in the labyrinth," Jareth said, with a chuckle, " and she won't be going anywhere for a good while. There are no doors." The kitsune grinned.

" Perfect. Which one is she in? I'll go retrieve my tool."

"No need for haste," The King said mildly, "As I said, she's not going anywhere. How about a game first," he waved his hand and the chess board magically reset itself, " and perhaps a small wager?"

The kitsune glanced at the board, then at the King, and smiled slyly. " A wager? Now that's my kind of game." He sat down across from the King and grinned. "What are the stakes, my liege?"


	5. Of Deserts and Desserts

_Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson...gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story._

_Author's Note This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"_

_And now chapter 5: Of Deserts and Desserts, in which our erstwhile heroines find that denying pleasure is just the first, sometimes painful, step._

**.:O-O:.**

Leigh wandered through the dusty, red desert canyons, complaining to herself, since Bob had up and disappeared. It was so like a male. Especially her second to last boyfriend.

It was hot… dry… hot… very bright… hot, and _where_ were her sunglasses!? God, her head hurt, and the bright sun made it so much worse. She searched her pockets, but no luck. The only thing there was a half-melted packet of peanut butter cups. She squinted off into the hazy distance and wet her lips. She was having trouble remembering why she was wandering around lost and alone beneath a hot desert sun. She was soooo thirsty. And where was the alcohol, because isn't the best cure for a hangover to have a shot of something, anything? That was what she needed…a little hair of the dog…

Hair of dog. The thought made her stomach churn. Why would they call it that? Really, who would want to drink dog hair…cause it really smelled when it was wet. Really, really smelled…like the Bog…only not. But in a similarly foul way.

Now that she thought about it, the smell of the bog reminded her of the way she imagined it smelled on that one crime investigation show where they were cleaning the bones of that guy that decomposed in the sealed waste drum for, like, 6 months. I mean they basically poured slimy green, black goo that used to be human out of a barrel and it looked so gross it had to have smelled just as bad as the bog. They did say you can never get that smell out of your skin…Just like the bog!!!

She'd figured it out. The bog was made of decomposing bodies and nobody knew it but her!!!! It was probably the remains of all the idiots who lost to the Goblin King…but not her. She was entirely different. She'd been drunk when she wished Leia away (still was really) Surely that would count as an extenuating circumstance. Diminished capacity or something. He wouldn't turn her into bog goo for that…

She continued pacing over the dry cracked ground, back and forth, staring at her sandaled feet, worrying over her gooey fate and idly noting that under all the red dust she needed a new pedicure. Off to the side sat Bob. Yes…the pegicorn was back, and it was sitting…like a dog…just watching. Leigh hadn't noticed yet. His big head was swinging back and forth, watching her pace in circles with a predatory gaze…or what might have been called predatory were it coming from an actual predator.

Leigh continued pacing and muttering, muttering and pacing, in ever larger circles, each time drawing closer and closer to Bob's location. Finally he could stand it no longer, and when she got in range he suddenly craned his neck forward and snapped at her hip, just barely scrapping the denim. "Gah! Bob! Where did you come from?" she yelped, jumping back.

His large, powerful, brilliantly white teeth snapped shut with a loud click. _Why are his teeth so damn white, they're better than mine dammit! Talk about unfair._ "Dammit, Bob. You scared me," she said out loud, "There are better ways to get my attention. I know you love me and all, but…wait…what…Bob, what are you doing?" She backed away as he made another attempt at nipping at her jeans. He scooted along the ground on his rump, tail switching back and forth like some great cat, following her retreat. "Stop it Bob!" (Nip) "Stop it, I just don't think of you that way Bob." (Scoot, scoot, nip) "Bob, this is completely inappropriate. I just met you." (Nip, nip, scoot) "I can't believe this. I thought I knew you Bob. I thought you were my friend. But you're just a single-minded, sex fiend like every other man I know!" Bob stopped moving, an affronted look entering his eyes, and stood up huffily, his wings ruffling in agitation.

Leigh snickered. "What, don't like me calling it as I see it, eh? What else am I s'posed to think with you coming on to me like some vampire who hasn't eaten in a month, and ya know…last time I checked you didn't look like Jean-Claude." Her voice ended in an accusatory whisper, as if he were somehow at fault for not being a centuries old French master vampire. Bob just stopped, a dumbfounded and thoroughly confused look on his long face.

"And furthermore," she continued, her voice rising in outrage, "_where_ have you been? You were _supposed_ to be my guide and look where I end up…in a desert…a hot, bright, very, very dry desert." Her voice subsided, becoming almost calm. "But I'll give you another chance, because I'm such a nice person. I'm thirsty. I want a drink. So, Bob, lead the way."

Bob blinked at her for half a heartbeat before a calculating look entered his eyes. With a toss of his head, he pranced ahead of her and around the corner. "Finally," she muttered, trudging after him. Turning the corner she almost ran into the pegicorn's rump for he had stopped, staring at something glimmering in the distance. With a joyful cry of "Water!" Leigh skipped toward the oasis, only to smack flat into a solid rock wall after three steps.

Dazed she stumbled back. "What the?" she muttered, confused. She focused her eyes ahead and realized that what she had thought was an oasis in the distance was actually a very realistic mural painted on the canyon wall. "…is this your idea of a sick joke, Bob?" she demanded, whirling around to face him. "Who paints an oasis on a canyon wall in the middle of the desert?" He snorted and nudged his nose toward a small brown plaque near the base of the wall. Crouching down, Leigh studied the small inscription. And then read it again, just to be sure she had it right.

This mural is courtesy of the Labyrinth Beautification Project. This wall has been adopted by Overlord Damien, Fish of the Underworld. To join the Adopt-a-wall program, please contact the Main LBP office, located in the Castle beyond the Goblin City. Ask for Twiggy the Goblin.

Leigh blinked, sure she had read it wrong. She was just about to turn to Bob to confirm the bizarre sign, when once more he nosed her hip. This time she overbalanced, swatting at him and tipping sideways away. But instead of landing on the hot, dry ground, she kept falling, down, down, down into damp, dark, blessed coolness. Or so she might have noticed if she wasn't screaming in terror, "Not agaaaiiiiin……"

Leigh's scream echoed endlessly in the darkness, cut off by an "oomph" when she hit the ground. The very, soft ground. She grinned. "Hey, Leia."

Leia groaned. "Did you _have_ to land on me?" She shoved ineffectually at Leigh, attempting to push her off. "And how do you know it's me anyway?"

"That's easy," she grinned broader, though with the absolute lack of light, Leia could not see the warning. There was a rustle of clothing. "_This_ is how I know you're Leia."

Leia let out an indignant yelp. "Hands off! You lecherous drunk, I'm not a guy and I don't swing that way." Her anger lent her strength enough to get Leigh off of her.

"It doesn't matter how drunk I am, I could never mistake you for a guy," Leigh assured her friend. Another warning sign went unseen. "You have these!" She crowed gaily, reaching in the darkness to grope her again.

They grappled blindly, Leia trying to fend off her suddenly touchy-feely friend.

"How would you like it, huh," she shouted as she grabbed Leigh's chest.

"Why Leia, I'm positit- positibly shocked. Shocked, I tell you, just shocked." The redhead was in fact so shocked that she continued her very determined attempts at molesting the woman without pause.

"You closet lesbian, knock it off."

"Make me. Ow, hey, that was my foot you just stepped on!"

"Good!"

"Bitch!"

"That's Ms. Bitch, bitch. Ow, damnit! Don't make me hurt you."

"You do, you do hurt me. Every time you open your mouth! Haven't you heard of TicTacs? Hey! No hair-pulling!"

They lapsed into a silence broken frequently by curses and shrieks of pain and surprise; fighting blindly like the girls they were. Unknown objects were knocked over, clanging, banging, or clattering loudly on the stone floor.

The swearing became less frequent as both women fought more and more seriously. With each passing moment they scuffled less and sparred more. In the darkness, the mini battle became a contest of aikido skills and one-up-man-ship. Though the contest was quite inadequate as attempted maneuvers and throws were interrupted when one woman or the other or both would trip over one of the many somethings that now lay on the floor.

The relative silence was suddenly broken by "Ha! _Iriminage_! I am _so_ better than you."

"Yeah," came a choked voice. "If _iriminage_ meant 'clothesline'."

"What? You mean I did it wrong? Here, let me try again."

"Sure," the voice answered quickly. "If I get to be _nage_ this time and you take the fall."

"Are you nuts? You'd strangle me! Do I look stupid to you?"

"If I could see you…Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Shut up!" She dove through the blackness to where she had heard her opponent. _Contact_! The fight resumed with even greater zeal.

And such was the cause that resulted in the discovery of a door. Well, it was a door now.

They squinted against the sudden light, lying on their backs trying to breathe normally.

Leigh rolled her head to look at Leia through a tangle of hair. "You're still a bitch."

The two friends clambered to their feet, brushing dust and other less savory substances from their clothes. Leigh jumped when Leia gave a sudden screech and started dancing around like some crazed teenager high on ecstasy at a rave. "What are you doing?!?" she snapped, more than a little irritated that the beat down had been interrupted.

Leia froze and looked sheepish. "Ah, spider. Sorry."

Leigh just heaved a long-suffering sigh and rolled her eyes. "Idiot," she muttered as she peered into the next room through the entryway that had been created by their haphazard tumble. "Hey, there's a door this way."

"We're not supposed to be helping each other." Leia pointed out.

"Fine, you stay here and pretend I didn't tell you."

Leia grumbled something beneath her breath that sounded suspiciously like "I should be so lucky." She pushed Leigh out of the way and marched up to the door. She tried the knob, but it was stuck fast. "Locked, dammit. I don't suppose you have a key...no…wait…" She paused and pulled a strange object out of her pocket, looking at it speculatively.

Leigh, irritated at her distraction, shoved her out of the way in turn. Reaching into her back pocket she whipped out her credit card. She grinned wickedly at Leia. "Platinum. Never leave home without it." She slid the card between the door and the jamb and with a swift jiggle the lock popped.

"Leigh!" Leia gasped with mock shock, "I had no idea you possessed such questionable skills!"

"Let's just say that boyfriend last year that disappeared? Well, there were police involved, but he taught me some tricks before he…um…went away." And with that she opened the door.

A golden light spilled through the open door. Beyond it they heard a heavenly choir. Or at least they thought they should hear one given the visual feast that awaited them beyond the threshold.

"Men!" Leigh squealed. And men there were, everywhere. They draped, lounged, lazed, sprawled and straddled in various stages of strategic dress…or undress. And they all beckoned, with hands, with looks, with voices like mellow whiskey. Leigh took one longing step forward before she was brought up short by the door slamming in her face. Leia stood with two hands holding the door solidly shut.

"Wha..why? Why would you…?" Tears shimmered unshed in Leigh's green eyes. She grabbed Leia's shoulders and slumped dejectedly. "Men. Hot…sexy…STRAIGHT! Why would you do such a thing?!?" She ended up shaking her friend violently. "They never open up into the same room, don't you remember that! Couldn't you let me have this one bit of happiness? What kind of friend are you???"

"There was no chocolate," Leia said matter-of-factly. "What kind of seduction doesn't have any chocolate?"

"Who cares???" Leigh sobbed.

"I do," she said, " I'm only looking out for your best interest." She patted Leigh's head patronizingly. "Oh look," she pointed behind her friend, "another door; let's try this one." Without giving her friend a chance to protest, she dragged the taller woman, still frozen in shock, across the room to the other door. She tried the frail looking doorknob. "Oooh. Locked again." She contemplated the door a moment before her eyes lit up with an idea. With a mighty "Hyah" she kicked at the door. The old door gave a groan before falling inward into the new room. "Not anymore." she said with a smirk. "You're not the only one with mad skills."

Leigh stared mournfully at the other closed door, before turning to look hopefully into the new room. "There's no men," she moaned pitifully.

"You gave up men, remember? Besides, there's something better." Leia stepped into the room.

"I gave up real men," she grumbled, "not sex gods in a whacked out alky induced hallucination." She followed her friend blindly into the new room.

"This is better. How often can you caress one of these?" she asked. Leigh looked up hopefully only to see Leia holding up a Stradivarius in perfect condition despite the obvious signs of age and use. Leigh just gave a choked sob, turning to look back only to find the doorway had disappeared.

"Why couldn't we be stranded in a room with hot men?" she said, "Hot, willing, STRAIGHT, almost naked men."


End file.
